” Although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see
I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me ” words by Bernie Taupin, Music by Elton John
Dear Reader,
October 23, 2019 4: 10PM Caregiving to a memory impaired loved one is a very tough business. I’ve been at it for eleven years. Couple it with a downturn in personal income and it is the perfect formula for a depressive mood. I have been getting up early, well before daylight and working my “to do” list as best I can. I must keep fighting and executing. I have been in online productivity & motivation groups in my past and always stayed positive. I was a very positive impactful, inspiring individual to the groups. I listened actively as I also am a graduate of “The Landmark Forum series.” It was easier because things were going my way.
Now, things are in the opposite direction. This morning I had mental and emotional letdown with Deb. Every morning Deb does not want to get out of bed. Nearly every morning I have to gently hug her and pull her up. Her clothes for the day are laid out.
11:00 AM, I enter the bedroom and announce, “Honey, it is time to get up” We’re going to Maria Cares today.” Deb doesn’t reply. I move to her and say, C, mon now, it’s 11 AM; time to put your feet on the floor. ” No, I don,t want to.” is her answer. Now my brain is talking to me. ” I have to deal with this every day. This is just like the movie, “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray.” This is fucking killing me.”
I put my arms around her and lift into a sitting position. ” You need to get dressed now and I’ll put your coffee on.” “What for? she asks. “Because you need to get out with other folks. You always have a good time there. When I come to pick you up you’re happy and smiling. Sometimes if I’m early, you tell them (the staff) to wait until you’ve finished the game your playing.” She replies,” Well, I don’t care. I don’t want to go.” She laid back in bed and pulled the covers over her like a child who doesn’t want to go to school.
So, now I’m over the edge and I go and bring her the phone. ” OK, I want you to call your sister and ask her if you can come live with her.” Tell her Tom makes me get up every day before noon to do things and you won’t do that to me, right?” (She actually called her sister but there was no answer). I then dialed my daughter in Miami and asked her to call Deb so that we could get her up and dressed. Kory is an awesome offspring. I love her dearly. Deb had her coffee and we arrived late at the center at 12:20 PM.
The business part of the day was brutal and negotiations difficult. I knew my blood pressure was up so I went to the gym after dropping Deb off and put in a 25-minute upper body workout. ( I recently gained my certifications from NASM (National Academy Sports Medicine) in Personal Training, CES (Corrective Exercise Science), and soon Senior Fitness. It was a motivation stemming from my caregiving. I need to figure out how to monetize it.
It is 5:30 PM now and I was reflecting on the way to pick Deb up how things could be much harder. I mean Deb is happy and I will explain why in a future post. It is true she has nearly no short term memory, and because of that, no real motivation in life. But she is a miracle for having survived 4 cardiac arrests in a span of an hour. She died 4 times, 3 of them in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Since I live in that caregiving life, I am around people who are dealing with loved ones that have the insidious disease of Alzheimer’s.
Dear Reader, thank you for listening.