October 4, 2008. Is this a dream or is this real? I am back in her ICU room. It always feels cold in here. Now that Deb was conscious, various tests could commence. Deb was very confused and her cognition was very feeble. She recognized the kids right away and her mom. Other people were less clear to her. She wasn’t doing much talking. She was so frail. There was so much uncertainty swirling around like a small waterspout in my head. It’s the “not knowing” that gnaws at your gut and makes you dizzy and weak on your feet. I felt like I was in a movie that was going to have a bad ending. Still, I knew I needed to be strong for my kids. I kept thinking about what they must be going through. “How they were handling the shock of it?” “She needs nourishment” ..my brain back focusing on her. The first priority was to see if Deb could actually swallow of her own volition. The speech therapists explained that they would perform a food test this afternoon. This consisted of putting a small amount of applesauce from a very small spoon and determining if she could swallow, like a baby. She took it down, no problem. It took a few more days and she was now talking more. But there was so much she didn’t remember and she was very confused. As for the cardiologists, the tests came back that Deb had suffered multiple ventricular fibrillations. The heart’s electrical activity becomes disordered. When this happens, the heart’s lower (pumping) chambers contract in a rapid, unsynchronized way. (The ventricles “fibrillate” rather than beat.) The heart pumps little or no blood. Collapse and sudden cardiac arrest follows. From the tests her heart rhythm now has a “bundling” component to it, which means there is a very slight delay in the rhythm compared to a normal one. They explained that ” we would put a defribillator in her chest, but at this time we are not certain of her ultimate outcome and condition.” The brutal reality to this conversation was that they weren’t sure if Deb was going to have an ambulant and cognitive existence. Or more simply put, she could live severely impaired, close to vegetative. It was now October 8, 2008. Five days had passed since she woke up. Deb was now recognizing her friends and family, this was a very good sign. In the cold room of the ICU I was now with the head neurologist, Dr. R.,
and we were having a conversation. I was with Dr. R. because I essentially fired the first two neuros that were assigned to Deb. There was nothing positive coming out of their mouths and so I demanded that I see the head of the department. When I met Dr. R. for the first time, I explained to him that I was pretty clear on the downside with respect to Deb’s condition; you know.. the worst case scenario. I just didn’t care for their “cold bedside manner” I guess you could say. I needed a little positivity. He looked me in the eye and gave me an understanding closed smile. He also delivered good news. “Tom, we are going to move Deb down to the Cardiac Care Unit on the third floor. She is out of life threatening danger and we will continue to perform tests and monitor her progress. She is a real survivor from a probability standpoint. “From the CAT scans her memory areas appear to be damaged and we aren’t sure of her cognitive function. At this point, it was a small lift we needed.
So now we were getting Deb out of bed and wheeling her around down the hall in a wheelchair. She was smiling, and that was our Deb we knew, but she was also not the same. Her cognitive and memory functions were off. She also had balance issues, but she was using the bathroom with help getting in and getting out, and she has control. Another huge win for us. It seemed that the basic voluntary functions were intact.
The community of Amityville was being so kind to us. Food was brought to us at the house. So many folks were supportive. Deb was born here. Before our marriage, she was Debbie Heller and the connections went deep.She was big hearted, caring, loving and the greatest mom. Everyone loves Deb. Her parents came here in the 1940’s and her father Alvin, now deceased, aka; big Al, started the family plumbing business. And from him, she inherited the aforementioned soulful beauty.
The days now were consumed with all sorts of testing and getting Deb into a walker. She was shuffling her feet on the floor now. Here come the Cardiologists down the hall. Dr B, the surgeon with no real people skills as far as I could tell states, “Mr. Stratman, we are going to put a defribillator in Deborah’s chest. It looks like she will be leaving us in two days. We have scheduled it for tomorrow morning. We just need you to sign some paperwork.” It was October 10th. The surgery was completed, no issues. Deb wasn’t going home though. What was her diagnosis and conclusion? Anoxic encephalopathy, a condition where brain tissue is deprived of oxygen and there is global loss of brain function. The longer brain cells lack oxygen, the more damage occurs.
She was being taken by ambulance to South Side Hospital on the South Shore of Long Island where they have a “Physical Medicine Department” This is where they hopefully will get her walking again
without an aid, and restoring her balance. Deb was pretty famous among the staff that provided her care. From the orderlies to the nurses on up, they were really amazed that she survived with the faculties she has. She beat the odds. She is a miracle. She’s really not supposed to be here. For me, I was still having that “out of body experience”. The shock was still with me. It’s been a month of uncertainty. I haven’t been working. I haven’t been sleeping. The bills have gone unpaid. My children are different. Everything is so different. I still have harmony. I mean the musical kind. It soothes my nerves. It brings me up, but it doesn’t last when I leave Kenny’s “living room”. It’s like a short lived “happy pill.” I can only focus on the now. And the “nowness” is the question, “where is this road taking us? ” Click here for the song.
“Carry On / Questions” Crosby, Stills, Nash from the “Album Deja Vu” 1970
One morning I woke up and I knew that you were gone.
A new day, a new way, I knew I should see it along.
Go your way, I’ll go mine and carry on.
The sky is clearing and the night has gone out.
The sun, he come, the world is all full of light.
Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to carry on.
The fortunes of fables are able to sing the song.
Now witness the quickness with which we get along.
To sing the blues you’ve got to live the tunes and carry on.
Carry on, love is coming, love is coming to us all.
Where are you going now my love? Where will you be tomorrow?
Will you bring me happiness? Will you bring me sorrow?
Oh, the questions of a thousand dreams, what you do and what you see,
Lover, can you talk to me?
Girl, when I was on my own, chasing you down,
What was it made you run, trying your best just to get around?
The questions of a thousand dreams, what you do and what you see,
Lover, can you talk to me?