Do I know? Looking up at this cool, crisp, clear dark sky on this late November morning. I breathe in this clean , damp air, seeing the morning stars in the few hours before dawn.
Our spinning Starship……
Pondering the smallness of all of us on this blue starship which travels on a definite circular path And this path creates the seasons, and different views when looking at the heavens above. Orion is just above right now.
The silliness of existence and thinking that my world inside this ever expanding universe is important. Looking up and seeing the realization that the search for meaning is only a creation of my brain trying to protect me from reality.
There is only “now”. Time is Life. I am so small, so tiny, so vulnerable to my own thoughts and actions. I am alone in this and tell myself it is just OK. “Try to stay positive, I always tell myself.”
This last Sunday, I thought today was” Thankgiving.” I guess every day should be. It is legitimate and necessary to wonder whether life has a meaning.
Sunday Morning, November 17, 2019 Dear Reader, This quote is attributed to David Farragut. He was the first rear admiral, vice admiral, and admiral in the United States Navy. He is remembered for his order at the Battle of Mobile Bay during the civil war usually paraphrased as “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead” in U.S. Navy tradition. It is one of my favorites and on Park Street here in St Petersburg is the exclusive private military school named after him.
Now the quote resonates with me most of the time as I continue to battle on multiple fronts. The caregiving, the financials, the family, my well-being, as well as Deb’s. She fell on the sidewalk here in the condo complex for no apparent reason other than she shuffles her feet. She got her hands out in front of her so we dodged a bullet on this one as she only suffered a minor bruise on her knee and a slight sprain of her right wrist. Now that I have earned my certifications from NASM (National Academy of Sports Medicine) as a Certified Personal Trainer, Corrective Exercise Specialist, and Senior Fitness Specialist, I am planning to train Seniors in Core Stabilization & Balance to reduce the risk of falling and improve functional outcomes. As I wrote in a previous blog, I am working to monetize this and add it as an additional revenue stream. I also realized that I need Deb to perform marching steps as part of her training program. If you want to know more about this Dear Reader, please go to http://www.solidtothecore.com. I created a presentation folder and Deb helped assemble them last night after I styled and straighten her hair as she took a shower earlier yesterday. After I finish she always gets up and goes to the mirror to judge my work. It was just “okay”. She’s right.
So it looks like I won’t meet my monthly breakeven again this month. It is not for a lack of planning and effort Dear Reader. I have my monthly budget, and my debt service is $1,100. That includes making principal payments to reduce the debt. I continue to push forward and realize that I am still building my revenue streams. My goal is for $10,000 monthly. I am at $5,500. But now, there is no more borrowing, so I am on cash and it certainly makes for higher anxiety levels. But what’s the worse that can happen? And can I accept that? Personal bankruptcy is the answer to that question. I could accept it. So that is the key. Surrendering to what is possible whether positive or negative.
I relistened to the audio book “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer https://amzn.to/2prXucL on the way to and from Orlando to attend a CBD expo. This book, in my opinion, is required reading for all caregivers to understand the “always talking mind and all the BS it pours on us. It is a spiritual journey. One of my streams of revenue that I created is writing SOP’s (Standard Operating Procedures) and all of the documentation required to comply with cGMP. This is under my business https://www.nutrition50.com. I currently have 2 clients and I am writing a proposal today for a third. This could bring in another $800 per month for the next 4 months. And at the Expo, I obtained 2 warm leads.
Hello Dear Reader, It’s Saturday morning and a the first cold front came in this morning in Southwest FL. The air is a crisp 63 degrees and dry. It’s been 6 months since the Florida autumn visited us. I was at the Publix market at 7 AM and neede half and half for Deb’s coffee when she gets up. I also picked up strawberries and blueberries. I was planning to get in my office and work on the Peru project and instead I chose to make my blueberry corn muffins.
In celebration of autumn finally coming to SW Florida.
Spontaneity sometimes has its rewards. I know she will love these and we are visiting her brother & sister-in-law in Sarasota tomorrow for the day so we’ll bring a few along for them. I had everything I need to put them together and I could just taste them; all warm and moist, sweet and juicy when I bite into those organic blueberries. And then a swig of fresh coffee.
Oh yea, there is something to be said for Spontaneity………. Thank you for visiting with me Dear Reader. I’m sorry I can’t offer you one and a cup of Joe. But you can make some. The yield is 15 muffins. Just leave me your email and I will send you a copy. Your email will remain private. I promise. Without Integrity, nothing really works.
You have to learn to pace yourself Pressure You’re just like everybody else Pressure You’ve only had to run so far So good But you will come to a place Where the only thing you feel Are loaded guns in your face And you’ll have to deal with Pressure…. Billy Joel
November 8, 2019 5:15PM
Dear Reader, Earlier this week, Wednesday, I woke up with that feeling of anxiety. It was 6:30 AM. I slept OK.. I woke up a couple times which is pretty normal for me, but I fell asleep again in 10-15 minutes. No big deal. I got almost 7 hours total and 50 minutes of deep sleep. But as the light of day crept into my office there it was. I think you know the feeling Dear Reader. The uncomfortable gnawing in the gut. Looking at my calendar, I started in on a project. At around 9;30, emails and messages were arriving that were not pleasant on my brain. “This needed to be fixed” a problem-client with self-admitted OCD declared in the first email. She wants the layout on a batch record to look like a work of art. Now a batch record goes through many hands in the factory as it moves through production. At the end of the process, it really is dirty. I mean it’s stained and looks like something pulled out of a filthy dumpster. It’s the order of the copy and instructions that matter. But not when you are OCD. “This line needs to be thick. This line needs to be thin” This is like the 5th revision. “Oh, Shit…my temperature’s rising. Oh, here’s another message reminding me that he wanted the Peru documents. ” My always talking brain” was telling me that I needed to jump on those, but they weren’t the priority.
A phone call, another phone call. I don’t answer because if I did I would never get anything done. They were coming in like the trains at Grand Central Station. My practice is to call them back end of day or put them on the “to do” for the next morning and limit the time on the call.
More Pressure. It’s now 10:15 AM. I must get Deb up and push her to get dressed. At 1 PM, I knew I was hypertensive and the anxiety was not plateauing.
“That’s not me…that’s an image off the web. Nice pants though.
I got up. I went in the living room with my sound suppressing headphones with DeBussy (afternoon of a fawn) playing and sat in my recliner. I strapped the Omron Digital monitor on my arm, sat back, and here came the reading: 160/89. I started my rhythmic deep breathing. Gently drawing in the air deep into my lungs and exhaling steadily; relaxing my body as I let it out. It felt so good and DeBussy was helping. I opened my eyes slowly as if I was Rip van Winkle, asleep for ages. I wasn’t drowsy, I was relaxed. It was only 15 minutes. …… The reading was 132/82. Amazing Dear Reader; don’t you think? And Thank you for visiting with me.
“Memory is the strangest thing; What a day for dreaming, there’s a flame whose light still shines, leading us out through fields and bridges” …David Byrne
My brain never shuts up unless I quiet it purposefully
November 5, 2019 8:00AM
Dear Reader,
I got up this morning and my brain immediately when to my challenges, “You need t get her hair dyed, you need to get those SOP’s written and collect some cash so you can break even this month, you owe Rob a report you committed to last night. You need to make an appointment at the Gyno for her.” ” It’s the ” I should to this…I should do that.” It’s the never-ending chatter upstairs in my mind that becomes unnerving.
If you fight it, the anxiety builds, the blood pressure rises. It becomes a churning, gut tightening loop never-ending as the brain continues to pile it on.
We all have it. C’mon, Dear Reader..you have it too; don’t you? “Taking Action” reduces it. Now I might have mentioned that I calendar and keep a “to-do” diary.
The “To-Do” Diary
It contains the project or task and the time I allot to work on or complete. It’s compact and I can take it with me to update it. As a senior caregiver, it is an essential part of my life. I plan my days/weeks using it and then calendaring with color codes.
My Calendar.
Anyway, back to my “Always Talking brain (and yours too, Dear Reader). You see, this morning there was ONE THING I chose to do in spite of my brain trying to tell me I don’t have time. I stretched my hips, legs, and back while listening to Nature Sounds (wind, rain in the forest.) I cycled yesterday morning at 6:30 AM. The shades were drawn and the hint of light shining into the living room was perfect for creating relaxing imagery of me stretching in the forest.
I quieted my brain for 35 minutes concentrating on my positions and form. When I had finished I came in here, my office to start my workday. This post was the first thing I Chose to do. It is now 9:00 AM so I am going to say goodbye for now. Thank you for listening Dear Reader.
“We gotta keep moving cause with every dawn there begins a faint light, and sometimes it grows so bright I have to shade my eyes. But not today, maybe tomorrow, but that’s okay.” It is as it is. …… TS(me)
Dear Reader,
Deb does not move. Often, I get her up and she puts on her slippers and I go to the kitchen sometimes to make her coffee. More often than not, however, I force her to make her own coffee, but only after she drinks a small glass of water. The reward is the coffee. Sometimes, she tries to call my bluff but it never works, because, you see, I don’t care if she drinks her coffee. She does.
Anyway, when she gets up and I go to the kitchen, I am waiting for her…..and waiting. I go back into the living room and there she is laying on her little couch, the blanket over her. Or she is just sitting there, sometimes looking at one of her photo albums.
“Deb, come over and make your coffee.” “In a minute” is her reply. “No, not in a minute because your minutes turn into hours…so please c’mon.” I retort. This is a constant pressure and I will try to explain why in my next post. It’s about the damage to her brain caused by hypoxia (lack of oxygen to her brain at the time of her incidents).
I get her into the kitchen and she reliably brews her coffee most of the time. The half and half she retrieves from the fridge and moves to the dining room table. “How many sugars do I take?” she asks. “Two” “OK, thanks.” “Where do we live? A common daily question. I answer, “You tell me. It’s on the wall next to the door to our bedroom.” I leave this an unanswered question as I will tell her to look it up later. or to look out the window and use her brain to figure it out. (Sometimes, I give her a hint like “It’s an indian tribe.”) She says, “Okay”. Now she has the newspaper to read which she won’t remember when she is finished.. This buys me time in my office to continue to work on my “to-dos”. But in an hour I will find her crossword books and a pencil. That buys a little more time. This is a constant pressure that I have reduced by just accepting it as best I can. But I know I must keep her moving off and on through the day.. and get my work accomplished.
Next…. The “Why of her inability to be kinetic.” Dear reader. Thank you so much for visiting.
” Although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free But losing everything is like the sun going down on me ” words by Bernie Taupin, Music by Elton John
Sunset at Sunset Beach, Treasure Island
Dear Reader,
October 23, 2019 4: 10PM Caregiving to a memory impaired loved one is a very tough business. I’ve been at it for eleven years. Couple it with a downturn in personal income and it is the perfect formula for a depressive mood. I have been getting up early, well before daylight and working my “to do” list as best I can. I must keep fighting and executing. I have been in online productivity & motivation groups in my past and always stayed positive. I was a very positive impactful, inspiring individual to the groups. I listened actively as I also am a graduate of “The Landmark Forum series.” It was easier because things were going my way.
Now, things are in the opposite direction. This morning I had mental and emotional letdown with Deb. Every morning Deb does not want to get out of bed. Nearly every morning I have to gently hug her and pull her up. Her clothes for the day are laid out.
11:00 AM, I enter the bedroom and announce, “Honey, it is time to get up” We’re going to Maria Cares today.” Deb doesn’t reply. I move to her and say, C, mon now, it’s 11 AM; time to put your feet on the floor. ” No, I don,t want to.” is her answer. Now my brain is talking to me. ” I have to deal with this every day. This is just like the movie, “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray.” This is fucking killing me.”
I put my arms around her and lift into a sitting position. ” You need to get dressed now and I’ll put your coffee on.” “What for? she asks. “Because you need to get out with other folks. You always have a good time there. When I come to pick you up you’re happy and smiling. Sometimes if I’m early, you tell them (the staff) to wait until you’ve finished the game your playing.” She replies,” Well, I don’t care. I don’t want to go.” She laid back in bed and pulled the covers over her like a child who doesn’t want to go to school.
So, now I’m over the edge and I go and bring her the phone. ” OK, I want you to call your sister and ask her if you can come live with her.” Tell her Tom makes me get up every day before noon to do things and you won’t do that to me, right?” (She actually called her sister but there was no answer). I then dialed my daughter in Miami and asked her to call Deb so that we could get her up and dressed. Kory is an awesome offspring. I love her dearly. Deb had her coffee and we arrived late at the center at 12:20 PM.
The business part of the day was brutal and negotiations difficult. I knew my blood pressure was up so I went to the gym after dropping Deb off and put in a 25-minute upper body workout. ( I recently gained my certifications from NASM (National Academy Sports Medicine) in Personal Training, CES (Corrective Exercise Science), and soon Senior Fitness. It was a motivation stemming from my caregiving. I need to figure out how to monetize it.
It is 5:30 PM now and I was reflecting on the way to pick Deb up how things could be much harder. I mean Deb is happy and I will explain why in a future post. It is true she has nearly no short term memory, and because of that, no real motivation in life. But she is a miracle for having survived 4 cardiac arrests in a span of an hour. She died 4 times, 3 of them in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Since I live in that caregiving life, I am around people who are dealing with loved ones that have the insidious disease of Alzheimer’s.
I woke up this morning at 7 AM and went to study my NASM CES course materials as I want to take the exam before the end of this month. Anothe rrealization came to me as I mailed my 2108 tax return. This is more debt on top of the existing debt. I have a plan to reduce my Debt in the next 12 months by 20K, which will essentially cut it in half and goive me breathing room. The stress of my life would destroy most other men. I have another view that keeps my blood pressure somewhat in check.
The brain….yours and mine, likes to create stories that are very rational and designed to protect yourself from the real stresses of daily living… with the issues that are pressing and don’t stop applying pressure and increasing one’s anxiety. I realize that life is somewhat of a bad joke. But I also know that Deb depends on me 100% to care for her. I love her and want to keep her safe and well. The money issue invades my brain and shoots me feelings of failure. I’m not a failure and I have made mistakes in staying in a business game too long and acquiring excessive debt.
So I need about three more clients to see me through this cash crunch. That means outreach is critical. Anyway , dear reader; about the day today. I need to stay focused on the “now” of everything. I have my “To Do” list for tomorrow and beyond.
Today , I worked from 7:30 till 4 PM with a break to get Deb up and a meal. At 4PM, we went to the beach to walk and relax (me). Deb’s always very relaxed. More on that next time. We got home and I went to the grocery store right next to us and picked up some things for dinner. I had Deb get in the shower and wash her hair while I made dinner. Now I am sitting here in my office writing this. Out of all the things I worked on today in the business, making dinner gave me the greatest sense of accomplishment.
I pushed myself to get it on the table. Deb enjoyed it. I think I will put in a workout now. It is 8PM. The workout (30min) will help me sleep.
So we are back from our trip to Miami where our daughter Kory resides. We spent the night in her “Pad”; on the 29th floor of a high rise with a close-up view of the downtown Miami skyline. At night it is quite an impressive view. She made us a homemade meal that was so delightful! It is a really special occasion when I am eating food that I did not prepare and sharing the meal with my family. This doesn’t happen often enough.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Anyway the trip was a winner all the way around. My meetings were good. Deb spent Friday with Kory. The 4.5 hour traffic cooperated back home Friday evening.
Let’s get back to the title of this post. I got up late because it looks like rain. I feel good. Its 8:30 AM. The income is starting to come in on a more regular basis. I worked on the Personal Training website for 6 hours yesterday. The frontpage is complete with the help of my Acrobat subscriptions (Illustrator, Photoshop). I have been thinking about making the quiche for the last week and this morning is my chance. The Publix grocery store is literally next door to our condo. I,m back in 15 minutes with all I need for the quiche. ( dinner also) I had the eggs, zucchini, yellow squash, red pepper, garlic, onion, and seasoning. I needed smoked gruyere and a frozen pie shell. (No, I am not making a scratch pie shell.)
Deb wasn’t getting up on this cloudy Sunday morning. She did ask me where we live. I have our address on the wall next to the pass-through into the living room. I don’t nag her on Sunday for my sake…not hers. I couldn’t wait any longer so I ate a piece. She’s in the kitchen now as I write this emptying the dishwasher after having her fabulous brunch. She looked up at me from the table as I was standing next to her as she lifted her fork with quiche and said, ” Isn’t cooking fun, honey?”
Caregiving for a memory impaired (no short term memory) and TBI (traumatic brain injury) loved one can be frustrating. One of the things I really miss is not being able to have a meaningful conversation.
Deb will ask me when I pick her up from her recreational care center that she attends 2 afternoons per week; ” So what did you do today?” she asks. I will start to tell her about my afternoon and she will get distracted after 30-60 seconds and say something like …” Look out for that car!”
I must always keep the word “Patience” in the front of my brain. Things are as they are. Sometimes that is hard depending on my frame of mind. I do my best. I still long for more intimate conversation. It’s 6:30 in the evening and I just switched from writing SOP’s for a client I am meeting again Friday morning in Miami to sharing here in this space. Deb and I will drive down tomorrow afternoon and stay at Kate’s overnight. I will go to my meeting Friday morning and then we will drive back to St Petersburg Friday afternoon.
We just need to laugh and dance together….. reader,if you are out there…Thank you!
