My last post was more than 10 months ago. I got away from writing in this blog. I’m not sure why, but in my head it was always talking about how there is no time for this space. It is Sunday afternoon and I just said that I need to get in this place and just write…so here I am. So, how do I feel about my life? I have senior high blood pressure now. I need to manage it down. My caregiving of deb I know is a factor in the tension and pressure I feel in my daily life. Sometimes it gets so hard when the person you spend most of your waking hours with has no short term memory. This morning upon rising, I stayed in bed an extra hour as I drank that third beer last night which I knew would make me a a litle sluggish…below the normal level that one has upon rising for the day. The first thoughts were how my stomach feels ….it hasnt been quite right for about 2 months now. I think the stress and tension I have caring for Deb, running a business, earning a living, and deal with the pressure of trying to get the Body Right Nutrition brand off the ground is increasing anxiety. The key thought for me right now is to just know that this day is not a given. I could be gone in an instant. Believe it or not, it’s a comfort thought and somewhat empowering. So is reading the al-Anon book, ” The Power to Change”.. There is a daily reading. Today’s reading was rather applicable to my life as most all of them are not only for me, but really most folks. The passage was about getting up in the morning and not letting your “thought Demons”grab you and take you to all your created (not real) and real urgencies that at times tend to override my life. As an alpha male caregiver, I often do not take the time to enjoy some time that is quiet and mindful of this favorite part of my day.
Thoughts of my failings with “the Brand” is where my “talking brain” wants to carry me. This morning I will enjoy my cup of Joe and choose to perform pleasant tasks… like watering the plants. ….So these things I did.
And then the caregiving comes to the front. We are going to UUC this morning for service and it is time to get Deb up. There is no other way to put it other than to say it is like getting a uncooperative 7 year old up and dressed……every day…..every day. It’s like groundhog day. Yes, every day is like groundhog day. I get her clothes out and coax her out of bed. “Deb, it is time to get up now.” “No, leave me alone.” she moans. “It’s 9:30 and we need to be at church at 10:30.” No , I don’t want to go.” Well we’re going so let’s get up. Now, it is time to try little levity to this every day time trial. “If you don’t get up I am going to sit on your head and eject one of my pleasant morning farts” “Go ahead..I don’t care.” So, now I go and hug her around the shoulders and pull hep up to a sitting position. I cajole her quietly because I am actually now thinking about lowering my blood pressure. It is not worth raising my frustration level any more than necessary. “Now please get dressed and then you can have a cup of coffee” “feet on the floor and let’s do this, ok? All this is a result of her anoxic brain encephalopathy. She is now dressed and having a cup of coffee. We are out the door to go sing some songs and enjoy the church community. ”
“Go in peace, make peace, love mightily, and bow to the mystery.”