"The Long and Winding Road"

Thursday, March 12, 2020

Dear Reader, This morning I got up at 6:45; it stays dark now in the mornings here on the west coast of Florida later now that it is Daylight savings. We are pretty far west in the time zone so the sun rises later here. I bought lights for my bike so I could start in the morning darkness and now witness the sunrises. But not this morning. I put on the coffee and turned on the news to learn that we shut down flights incoming from Europe indefinitely. I got stuck there in my recliner. I woke up with less anxiety than yesterday, but my brain was battling with “should I stay or should I go” on the bike this morning.

So it’s now 8 AM and the battle is over. I am in my gear and out the door. I got my pack, got my water bottle, forgot my wallet. Back in the house to retrieve it and we’re on our way….Just my talking brain and me.

“I need cash, what bills should I pay,”… strategizing…totally not being present. I just realized I passed Walsingham Park where I park and ride. OK, “let turn around and get there. I got the bike off the car, put on my cycling shoes, water bottle in the rack and thinking about the route I would take. “Let’s ride the Madeira to Bellaire Beach Loop”…just my always talking brain and I. On 113th I realized I forgot to put on my helmet!. So much for this ride. I was only 5 miles into the route. I turned around and returned to the car.

I realize I am forgetting shit because I am not present. I need to be more conscious of my being; not doing. I must stop writing now. It is time to get Deb up, dressed , coffee, and off to “Maria Cares”for the afternoon.

March 6, 2020 Dear Reader, It’s been nearly 3 months since I have visited here. Sometimes, I think about sitting down and writing here, but my brain has been telling me that there is no point to this effort. “You’re just wasting time. You need to spend your time working in more monetizing endeavors. Besides who is really reading this? It’s not like I am promoting this personal blog.

Ok, dear reader ….enough of this brain chatter. I am sitting down to help release thoughts and feelings that come into and over me as I move along the path I create with Deb and, of course alone. I have shared in past posts that I have suffered a business failure and it put me into a “high debt load” situation. It’s not exactly “okay”. “It is as it is.”And it is “NOW”… I have diversified my income strategies and continue to work towards becoming debt free.

I guess the passing of my father put an additional downward push on my mental attitude and the responsibilities of caring for Deb, making ends meet, traveling to Miami when daughter Kory had an emergency appendectomy, then up to Long Island New York where our daughter Li gave birth by cesarean to a beautiful baby boy, it sucked up the cash.

It has been difficult to fight the urge to isolate myself and “push myself to tackle my “To Do’s”. I got away from “Calendaring my days ” This is critical to enabling one to use “time”…the most precious commodity, in ways that will help me achieve “positive cash flow and debt reduction.” A loss of Self-discipline. At least I can say that I am back to taking care of this. I need to cut down on the “dining out” category in my budget. I have been cooking more and, of course, we are eating cleaner and healthier.

Dear reader, if I went back right now and reviewed what I have written here, I would probably just “trashit.” No, I am not going to correct the word “Trashit” Grammerly wants me to, but it is too good. It fits. it should be “Trash shit.”

I am back in this space after too much time away. It feels good.Now however, I need to get Deb in the Shower… I keep asking her to do this and she is giving me a standard reply. “Ok, in a minute”. This has been going on for 2 hours as I have been here in my office working since I made her breakfast. It’s time to get a little more firm.

Yesterday morning around 10 I came in the bedroom and said, “Little stinky Debbie, please get up.” She replied, “I know..I do stink.” She got up and she went in the bathroom and washed her armpits! Sometimes I forget to remind her to put on her deodorant. I can’t make these anecdotes up. I’m not that creative. It’s real. It is our life. Our time is life.

Dear reader, Thank you for visiting

In Memoriam
Lieutenant Anthony F. Stratman USN, June 13, 1922 to November 25, 2019.
Husband, Father, Veteran, Caregiver, Man of Faith, Integrity, Honor; 97 revolutions around the Sun. I am proud to be his Son. Thank you,  Dad and Mom, for giving me Life. I am so thankful.

Dear Reader, It has been two weeks since my last post. That was on a Monday morning and that evening my father passed in a hospital in Columbus, Ohio. Two of my brothers were with him as the oxygen was stopped and he passed peacefully. He was one of the “Greatest Generation as Tom Brokaw’s book so elegantly described their lives and the sacrifices they made with integrity, honor, and love. Since that time Deb and I drove to Columbus, OH for his funeral and burial. It was a cold , clear day at the gravesite, last Wednesday in Columbus. Dad was sent off with an honor guard as he was a WWII veteran. When that sailor was blowing taps with that shiny chrome bugle and my brother was accepting his flag, I fell apart. The tears were streaming down my face as Deb held me tight around my waist. She is always so good in these types of “present” circumstances. In the following days, she needed to be reminded of where we were and why we were there. And that’s OK.

Dear Reader, I guess I am still grieving as my brain moves to past memories of Dad and my family. I really had to push myself early this morning to start to get back into my self-care routines. Up at 6:15AM, after a cup of coffee, I turned on some nature sounds ( rain, wind in the forest) and did my S & B for 40 minutes. (Stretching and Breathing). My brain was telling me that I just didn’t have time for this writing. I have a very long “To-Do list”. I just let that thought pass and sat down at this computer and started writing. This is called “being unreasonable”. It is a very necessary “way of being” each and every day as a caregiver. I guess I am depressed. This too shall pass.

I will leave you with a small anecdote from our long journey north last week.

December 2, 2019 Driving to Columbus, OH today I was thinking about my youth. As I was approaching the Atlanta, GA traffic scene on I-75 north, my brain brought up the album Chicago II. It was released in Jan 1970. I was 16 yrs old and it was a 2 record set. Their sound was so groundbreaking…rock/jazz/classical fusion. The harmonic brass, with the keyboard and lead guitar. The lyrics were so right on for the time. The anti-war movement was in full gear. And I would crank it up on the turnstile and the big floor speaker we had in the basement. I remember my father standing at the top of the stairs shouting down, “TURN THAT DAMN THING DOWN!… In the car, listening to this album, with Deb and I  singing the lyrics, we breezed through that traffic. It seemed like yesterday. The sweet memories of times and places that music brings us….

Thank you for listening Dear Reader. Just be Kind.

Saturday, November 23, 2019 Dear Reader, I got home from my Saturday morning bike ride at 9. “Alexa, what’s the weather today? “Today in Seminole the high is 77 degrees with partly sunny skies. I ignored the brain telling me what I should do today and I don’t have the time, (blah, blah blah) and moved to pack for the beach. Just let that noise go and take spontaneous action. Got Deb up (Thank you, Li! my daughter who called Deb and got her out of bed), and I made her scrambled eggs and toast. The other stuff can wait. Before 11:30AM we were on the beach and Deb has walked a mile and now is totally enjoying her reward, sitting under the umbrella.

Dear Reader, Sometimes one must just turn off the noise and pressure for a few hours. Arriving back home, I made a sandwich and split it with her. Getting her to drink adequate water daily is a major push. “I don’t like water.” she sometimes says. It’s kind of like managing a child. You have to put the reward out there. (the old carrot on a stick….but that really only works when training horses.) She has to drink 8 oz before her morning coffee… that always works. The rest of the day is a real challenge in this department as is getting her to move.

Saturday evening arrives and we go to The Angry Pepper for dinner, singing, and dancing. On the way’ which is only 5 miles from home, she asked me, “Where we going?” I answered her four times. “To The Angry Pepper.”

Deb loves to sing. She knows more lyrics to songs than I do. She can’t remember where she lives, how old she is, what day it is…but she remembers her songs. I’m talking hundreds. It’s a common phenomenon with memory-impaired humans. It was a fun night with friends and meeting people. In a way, we are inspiring to others when they learn our story. The guys in this particular band always let me on the mic for a few songs to give them back up harmony. It’s a great feeling to be up there. I will feel the 4 beers Sunday morning. I think it’s OK. What do you think Dear Reader? Thank you for listening. Just try to be kind, caring and helpful to others.

Thursday morning, 5:00 AM November 21, 2019

Dear Reader,

Where do I go from here? And where is “here”?

Do I know? Looking up at this cool, crisp, clear dark sky on this late November morning. I breathe in this clean , damp air, seeing the morning stars in the few hours before dawn.

Pondering the smallness of all of us on this blue starship which travels on a definite circular path And this path creates the seasons, and different views when looking at the heavens above. Orion is just above right now.

The silliness of existence and thinking that my world inside this ever expanding universe is important. Looking up and seeing the realization that the search for meaning is only a creation of my brain trying to protect me from reality.

There is only “now”. Time is Life. I am so small, so tiny, so vulnerable to my own thoughts and actions. I am alone in this and it is OK.

This last Sunday, I thought today was” Thankgiving.” I guess every day should be. I am thankful for you, Dear Reader, if you are out “there”. I know you are.

Sunday Morning, November 17, 2019 Dear Reader, This quote is attributed to David Farragut. He was the first rear admiral, vice admiral, and admiral in the United States Navy. He is remembered for his order at the Battle of Mobile Bay during the civil war usually paraphrased as “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead” in U.S. Navy tradition. It is one of my favorites and on Park Street here in St Petersburg is the exclusive private military school named after him.

Now the quote resonates with me most of the time as I continue to battle on multiple fronts. The caregiving, the financials, the family, my well-being, as well as Deb’s. She fell on the sidewalk here in the condo complex for no apparent reason other than she shuffles her feet. She got her hands out in front of her so we dodged a bullet on this one as she only suffered a minor bruise on her knee and a slight sprain of her right wrist. Now that I have earned my certifications from NASM (National Academy of Sports Medicine) as a Certified Personal Trainer, Corrective Exercise Specialist, and Senior Fitness Specialist, I am planning to train Seniors in Core Stabilization & Balance to reduce the risk of falling and improve functional outcomes. As I wrote in a previous blog, I am working to monetize this and add it as an additional revenue stream. I also realized that I need Deb to perform marching steps as part of her training program. If you want to know more about this Dear Reader, please go to http://www.solidtothecore.com. I created a presentation folder and Deb helped assemble them last night after I styled and straighten her hair as she took a shower earlier yesterday. After I finish she always gets up and goes to the mirror to judge my work. It was just “okay”. She’s right.

So it looks like I won’t meet my monthly breakeven again this month. It is not for a lack of planning and effort Dear Reader. I have my monthly budget, and my debt service is $1,100. That includes making principal payments to reduce the debt. I continue to push forward and realize that I am still building my revenue streams. My goal is for $10,000 monthly. I am at $5,500. But now, there is no more borrowing, so I am on cash and it certainly makes for higher anxiety levels. But what’s the worse that can happen? And can I accept that? Personal bankruptcy is the answer to that question. I could accept it. So that is the key. Surrendering to what is possible whether positive or negative.

I relistened to the audio book “ The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer https://amzn.to/2prXucL on the way to and from Orlando to attend a CBD expo. This book, in my opinion, is required reading for all caregivers to understand the “always talking mind and all the BS it pours on us. It is a spiritual journey. One of my streams of revenue that I created is writing SOP’s (Standard Operating Procedures) and all of the documentation required to comply with cGMP. This is under my business http://www.nutrition50.com. I currently have 2 clients and I am writing a proposal today for a third. This could bring in another $800 per month for the next 4 months. And at the Expo, I obtained 2 warm leads.

So, in closing on this post Dear Reader, thank you for visiting with me and listening. Damn the Torpedoes, Full Speed Ahead!

Hello Dear Reader, It’s Saturday morning and a the first cold front came in this morning in Southwest FL. The air is a crisp 63 degrees and dry. It’s been 6 months since the Florida autumn visited us. I was at the Publix market at 7 AM and neede half and half for Deb’s coffee when she gets up. I also picked up strawberries and blueberries. I was planning to get in my office and work on the Peru project and instead I chose to make my blueberry corn muffins.

Spontaneity sometimes has its rewards. I know she will love these and we are visiting her brother & sister-in-law in Sarasota tomorrow for the day so we’ll bring a few along for them. I had everything I need to put them together and I could just taste them; all warm and moist, sweet and juicy when I bite into those organic blueberries. And then a swig of fresh coffee.

Oh yea, there is something to be said for Spontaneity………. Thank you for visiting with me Dear Reader. I’m sorry I can’t offer you one and a cup of Joe. But you can make some. The yield is 15 muffins. Just leave me your email and I will send you a copy. Your email will remain private. I promise. Without Integrity, nothing really works.

You have to learn to pace yourself
Pressure
You’re just like everybody else
Pressure
You’ve only had to run so far
So good
But you will come to a place
Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face
And you’ll have to deal with Pressure…. Billy Joel

November 8, 2019 5:15PM

Dear Reader, Earlier this week, Wednesday, I woke up with that feeling of anxiety. It was 6:30 AM. I slept OK.. I woke up a couple times which is pretty normal for me, but I fell asleep again in 10-15 minutes. No big deal. I got almost 7 hours total and 50 minutes of deep sleep. But as the light of day crept into my office there it was. I think you know the feeling Dear Reader. The uncomfortable gnawing in the gut. Looking at my calendar, I started in on a project. At around 9;30, emails and messages were arriving that were not pleasant on my brain. “This needed to be fixed” a problem-client with self-admitted OCD declared in the first email. She wants the layout on a batch record to look like a work of art. Now a batch record goes through many hands in the factory as it moves through production. At the end of the process, it really is dirty. I mean it’s stained and looks like something pulled out of a filthy dumpster. It’s the order of the copy and instructions that matter. But not when you are OCD. “This line needs to be thick. This line needs to be thin” This is like the 5th revision. “Oh, Shit…my temperature’s rising. Oh, here’s another message reminding me that he wanted the Peru documents. ” My always talking brain” was telling me that I needed to jump on those, but they weren’t the priority.

A phone call, another phone call. I don’t answer because if I did I would never get anything done. They were coming in like the trains at Grand Central Station. My practice is to call them back end of day or put them on the “to do” for the next morning and limit the time on the call.

More Pressure. It’s now 10:15 AM. I must get Deb up and push her to get dressed. At 1 PM, I knew I was hypertensive and the anxiety was not plateauing.

I got up. I went in the living room with my sound suppressing headphones with DeBussy (afternoon of a fawn) playing and sat in my recliner. I strapped the Omron Digital monitor on my arm, sat back, and here came the reading: 160/89. I started my rhythmic deep breathing. Gently drawing in the air deep into my lungs and exhaling steadily; relaxing my body as I let it out. It felt so good and DeBussy was helping. I opened my eyes slowly as if I was Rip van Winkle, asleep for ages. I wasn’t drowsy, I was relaxed. It was only 15 minutes. …… The reading was 132/82. Amazing Dear Reader; don’t you think? And Thank you for visiting with me.

“Memory is the strangest thing; What a day for dreaming, there’s a flame whose light still shines, leading us out through fields and bridges” …David Byrne

November 5, 2019 8:00AM

Dear Reader,

I got up this morning and my brain immediately when to my challenges, “You need t get her hair dyed, you need to get those SOP’s written and collect some cash so you can break even this month, you owe Rob a report you committed to last night. You need to make an appointment at the Gyno for her.” ” It’s the ” I should to this…I should do that.” It’s the never-ending chatter upstairs in my mind that becomes unnerving.

If you fight it, the anxiety builds, the blood pressure rises. It becomes a churning, gut tightening loop never-ending as the brain continues to pile it on.

We all have it. C’mon, Dear Reader..you have it too; don’t you? “Taking Action” reduces it. Now I might have mentioned that I calendar and keep a “to-do” diary.

It contains the project or task and the time I allot to work on or complete. It’s compact and I can take it with me to update it. As a senior caregiver, it is an essential part of my life. I plan my days/weeks using it and then calendaring with color codes.

Anyway, back to my “Always Talking brain (and yours too, Dear Reader). You see, this morning there was ONE THING I chose to do in spite of my brain trying to tell me I don’t have time. I stretched my hips, legs, and back while listening to Nature Sounds (wind, rain in the forest.) I cycled yesterday morning at 6:30 AM. The shades were drawn and the hint of light shining into the living room was perfect for creating relaxing imagery of me stretching in the forest.

I quieted my brain for 35 minutes concentrating on my positions and form. When I had finished I came in here, my office to start my workday. This post was the first thing I Chose to do. It is now 9:00 AM so I am going to say goodbye for now. Thank you for listening Dear Reader.

Sunday, October 27, 2019

“We gotta keep moving cause with every dawn there begins a faint light, and sometimes it grows so bright I have to shade my eyes. But not today, maybe tomorrow, but that’s okay.” It is as it is. …… TS(me)

Dear Reader,

Deb does not move. Often, I get her up and she puts on her slippers and I go to the kitchen sometimes to make her coffee. More often than not, however, I force her to make her own coffee, but only after she drinks a small glass of water. The reward is the coffee. Sometimes, she tries to call my bluff but it never works, because, you see, I don’t care if she drinks her coffee. She does.

Anyway, when she gets up and I go to the kitchen, I am waiting for her…..and waiting. I go back into the living room and there she is laying on her little couch, the blanket over her. Or she is just sitting there, sometimes looking at one of her photo albums.

“Deb, come over and make your coffee.” “In a minute” is her reply. “No, not in a minute because your minutes turn into hours…so please c’mon.” I retort. This is a constant pressure and I will try to explain why in my next post. It’s about the damage to her brain caused by hypoxia (lack of oxygen to her brain at the time of her incidents).

I get her into the kitchen and she reliably brews her coffee most of the time. The half and half she retrieves from the fridge and moves to the dining room table. “How many sugars do I take?” she asks. “Two” “OK, thanks.” “Where do we live? A common daily question. I answer, “You tell me. It’s on the wall next to the door to our bedroom.” I leave this an unanswered question as I will tell her to look it up later. or to look out the window and use her brain to figure it out. (Sometimes, I give her a hint like “It’s an indian tribe.”) She says, “Okay”. Now she has the newspaper to read which she won’t remember when she is finished.. This buys me time in my office to continue to work on my “to-dos”. But in an hour I will find her crossword books and a pencil. That buys a little more time. This is a constant pressure that I have reduced by just accepting it as best I can. But I know I must keep her moving off and on through the day.. and get my work accomplished.

Next…. The “Why of her inability to be kinetic.” Dear reader. Thank you so much for visiting.